M.G. aka Mom Guilt

So part of my new job  meant that I had to travel for training.  I didn’t go very far but far enough that I had to stay in a hotel room for a week and miss my sweet babies! can you tell that I’ve been away from them for 4 nights?  Already I’m calling them sweet babies.  yes, it’s day 4 of staying at a hotel and I’ll admit – I thought the idea of traveling would be great.  I mean, it would be like a mini-vacation, right?  Wrong.  Welcome to the reality of M.G.  Mom Guilt.  Capital M Capital G.  Sheesh – this is worse than working full-time and using a babysitter.  I don’t even get to put them to bed. 

I left my sweet babies in the care of their VERY capable father, aka – Fantasy Football Fanatic Husband.  And I gotta tell ya, I kinda wished he was having a harder time.  I know – that’s just pure meanness.  But aren’t they all supposed to be miserable without mom?  yeah, that’s what I thought.  But it seems they are doing just fine without me.  No one has had any meltdowns because I’m gone.  I was secretly hoping for a phone call that “they need their mother” and only mom could talk some sense into the toddler about her “nigh” (blankie) or some other similar scenario.

The good news is that I get to go home tomorrow for the weekend.  I cannot wait to see my “little people” as I fondly call them.  And maybe between now and then someone will have a “I need my mom meltdown”.

Merry Bleaching Christmas!

Sorry Blog for ignoring you.  I had a whole week off of work before I started my new job and I was busy with kids, then I actually started a new job!  Wow.  So lots of things happening with Christmas this week and I just wanted to share some of the crazy, funny, or otherwise ridiculousness of my life:

1.  I’m having 24 adults and 8 kids for Christmas Eve – here.  At my house.  For dinner.  A sit-down dinner.  Not surprising, we have enough matching plates.

2.  I set the table(s) already.

3.  I don’t have cute matching stockings so I didn’t put any up.  I don’t think the kids will notice, or care.

4.  We totally Jedi mind-freaked out the toddler with her list for Santa.  I love toddlers that way.  I mean, we convinced her she wanted everything we had already bought.  Genius.

5.  If my baby can make it through the week without another bruise right in the middle of her forehead it will my Christmas miracle.

6.  Bleaching the grout in your bathrooms works AWESOME.  The smell and general fumes however?  NOT AWESOME.  Oh, and doing it the week of Christmas on your hand and knees with an old toothbrush, also NOT AWESOME.  Why I do that to myself?  See #1 above.

Merry bleaching Christmas – I mean, Merry freaking Christmas.  Oh jeez, blame it on the fumes from all the bleach.  Merry Christmas!

Genius or Terrible Mother?

So I’m either a genius or a terrible mother – only time will tell on this one.

We’ve been fighting 2 things with the toddler – pooping on the potty and getting rid of the binkie.  She will pee pee on the potty every time but has a control issue with #2.  And we’ve been meaning to give up the binkie for some time now but oh man, I was waiting because I knew (I know) it’s going to be hard on all of us.

Last night did it.  She told me she had poop in her panties so we went upstairs to change her.  And it’s ridiculous – it’s on her leg, her sock and she doesn’t tell me any of this as I whip the pants off and get poop on my finger.  Yeah, being a mom is SOOO glamorous and rewarding at times.

I do the usual of making her swish her panties in the toilet and then she’s got poop on the toilet seat, on her fingers and when I try to flush we end up with a clogged toilet.  Again, the joys of motherhood.

As she’s washing her hands in the sink, I realize that she’s standing there with her pacifier in her mouth.  And a lightbulb went off.  I told her that there is going to be a new deal:

Every time she pooped in her panties, she would have to give away a binkie.

I have no idea how this is going to turn out but this morning when reminded of our deal she choose to sit on the potty rather than give up a pacifier.

I’ll keep you posted – this might be a two-fer bonus – pooping on the potty and no more binkies.  OR, well, let’s just not think about that.

Two-Week Notice purgatory

I did it.  I gave my two weeks notice at my current job (insert happy dance here).  You see, I’ve been wanting a change for a long time now.  I’ve tried making my boss deals (work from home; job sharing; part time) all to no avail.  He said he would like to help me out but he just couldn’t do any of those. 

I’ve struggled with working full time and being away from my girls since the day they were born.  And the job was just that – a j.o.b.  Not a career, not something I could see myself doing 10 years from now.  So to make being a working mom even worse – the pay was awful.  I know, I should be grateful I had employment and a regular paycheck right?  Sure, that all sounds good uless you hate what you’re doing and you have lost respect for the person you’re doing it for.

The straw that litterally broke my the camel’s back, was during a meeting where my boss said the following: “I don’t know how you do it.  I don’t know how you can be away from your kids everyday.  My wife and I were fortunate that she could stay home to raise them.  I think if I were in your shoes I would do everything I could to stay home with them”. 

Really boss?  You are going to sit there and tell me that I should do everything I can to stay home with them?  How about you give me a raise???  How about you get over the “work from home” issue you have. You are really going to put another load of working mom guilt on me?   At that moment I knew that I had to make a change.

So when I had the opportunity for a huge step up – I jumped at the chance.  Sure, it will mean that I’m still going to be a working mom but I’m giving my kids the gift of a roof over our heads and (hopefully) some money in the bank.

And now I’m in limbo.  I forgot how awful the 2 week notice time period is.  It’s like purgatory.  You are done – you are over this job and yet you have to suck it up and do the job for the next 10 days.  In my case, doing the job also entails attending 2 night meetings – yeah, they start at 6:30 p.m. 

So I’m doing the right thing and taking the high road and attending the meetings and I’m showing up for work.  And I’m counting the days hours minutes seconds until I can move on.

The demise of the Binkie

Binkie, Paci, Knucher, Soshie – it’s got a lot of names in my house and I’m about to add one more – GONE.  I mean it – we have GOT to get the toddler off her binkie habit.  It’s like crack cocaine to her – she needs it, she craves it, she wants it as soon as we walk in the door.

This all sounds well and good – to get rid of the pacifier for good.  But I’m scared. 

It’s a two-fold problem. 

1.  The baby still has one.  She’s allowed, right?  She’s only 1.  And seriously, what do you do in the middle of the night when they wake up crying?  Hello?!  We give her a pacifier, pat her on the butt, fix her covers and she goes back to sleep.  So how do you think the Toddler is going to handle the fact that the Baby is allowed to have one?  Because as ridiculous as it sounds, the Toddler knows which binks are hers and she won’t use her sister’s (unless it’s an emergency binkie situation).

2.  Tantrums.  Oh dear screaming loudly child – how are you ever going to learn to calm down without the help of a pacifier?  My Toddler is, um, let’s say strong-willed.  When she gets rolling no amount of time-out is going to get her to stop the tantrum.  The only thing that works….yep, soshie and her blanket (which she calls her “nigh”).  I do not know how to help her calm down without it. 

We have talked about it with her.  We have tried offering a special toy.  We have tried talking about a “Paci Fairy” who would leave something special if she gave up the paci.  She says “I’m not ready yet”.  Well dear, neither are we but the time has come.

So I’m scared.  Like terrified that I’ll be the one who breaks down and gives her one of the baby’s paci’s.  But we’ve got to do this.  I did find a resource online that said you have to reduce the pleasure it gives (the sucking is the pleasure) so to poke a hole in it with a pin.  I’m going to try it. 

Wish me luck – or send over some wine or something because I’m going to need it.

Dear Running:

I’d like to take a moment to thank someone new to my life.  Someone who has been there for me, who pushes me, who encourages me and who helps me look my best.  Thank you running.  At first I thought we were destined to be mortal enemies.  I’ve never been a runner and I still think some days that when I say I’m “running” that the “real runners” are going to expose me for the fraud I am.  You see, I found a running program that incorporates walking at regular intervals.  It’s changed my life.   

I started running less than a year ago when my baby was about 4 months old.  I wanted to lose the baby weight but I was too cheap to join a gym.  I accepted the challenge of running the Chicago marathon (which I completed thank you very much).  I started slow – very, very slow.  I gradually increased my mileage although I was still slow – which I’m OK with. 

My body started to change.  I’m back down to where I was before my 1st pregnancy and some of my skinny clothes bag in odd places.  After the marathon I took some time off from running.  But recently I’ve found myself craving the run.  I find myself wanting to run when I’m stressed, when I’m anxious, when I need to think.

I don’t run very far anymore but I run for my sanity.  OK, I also run because I have to make up for eating all the time.  Did I mention I like food?  And beer?  A lot? 

So thank you running for being there for me.  And if you ever tell Beer that you have replaced it for my sanity I’ll deny this conversation ever took place.

Bad behavior skeletons in my closet

Baby Tantrums.

Yup - the baby has started following in her sister’s footsteps.  At first I was mildly amused by her attempts at having a tantrum.  She has a lot to learn if she thinks that little old throwing your head back and crying is going to work.  We’ve dealt with MUCH worse.  And by dealt, I usually mean one of the following: timeout, sending her to her room, timeout and then sending her to her room, yelling, more timeouts, more yelling.

And then I watch in horror as the baby is watching this drama unfold.  I try to distract her – I try to smile and say “we don’t act like that”.  And then it does a whole lotta good when she watches mom lose her cool and yell at the toddler to “go upstairs if you are going to act like that”.  Wow.  Mother of the year ain’t got nothing on me baby.

I realized on Monday this week we were in trouble when the babysitter texted me at work to ask if the baby was OK over the weekend – did she feel OK because out of nowhere she’s having baby tantrums at daycare.  LOVELY.  Hello skeletons in our family’s closet – come on out for everyone to see.  Oh and drag the dirty underwear out while you’re at it.

Why oh why do my children make me feel like a terrible parent?!  Why oh why must they show the world that we (super cool as we think we are) are totally, unequivocably, hands down not prepared to deal with not ONE but TWO strong-willed tantrum throwing bundles of joy?

If anyone out there knows how to stop the bad habits (that we weren’t able to fix on our toddler) from being ingrained permanently on the brain of my once sweet baby please please please tell me.  And then write a book.  And go on a national book tour.  And get a TV show.  Cause then I might be able to once again close the door on our closet of bad behavior skeletons (and god-willing, throw away the key!).

work work work

I work full-time.  My kids go to daycare.  I make every attempt to pick them up early.  I will take them to the park.  We spend nearly every moment together on the weekends.  Lately though I’ve taken them to daycare even though I was at home.  No, I’m not a terrible mother.  I’m attempting to keep them on their regular schedule and I just can’t seem to get my house clean when they are home.  Yesterday I actually went for a run before I picked them up. 

And yet I still struggle with being away from them.  I’ve come to the realization that I’m the kind of mom that would not be a great stay-at-home mom.  And Kudos to those of you that can manage it.  I mean, really – seriously, take a moment and pat yourself on the back. 

There are a number of reasons this wouldn’t work for our family. 

The big #1 – money.  We need my salary because gosh darn it – I like to shop.  And I certainly cannot get out of Target without dropping $100. 

#2 – sanity.  There, I said it.  I love love love love my children but they drive me insane.  I need to go to work for my sanity.

#3 – oh heck, aren’t #1 & #2 enough?

And yet, there are moments that I hate working full-time. I don’t think working mom’s will ever figure out the balance.  For now, I know that they are well taken care of, that they are on a regular schedule, that I’m able to provide for them, and I know that by doing this, I’m being a good mom in my own way.

Working mom’s take heart.  I think there are so many other ways we can screw up our kids – having a job is not one of them.

1st flight with baby, flight delay and the stomach flu

I was looking up ticket prices for our annual Florida vacation today and it reminded me about our 1st flight last year and for those wondering what it’s like to fly with a 2-year-old a 4-month-old and a new case of the stomach flu, here’s what went down:

We booked a later afternoon flight so the kids could eat dinner and nap (hopefully on the plane).  My toddler was 2 and the baby was 4 months old.  We had purchased three seats and planned on putting the toddler in her car seat on the plane and I was going to hold the baby so I could nurse on take-off and landing. 

Two days before we are supposed to go on vacation I get a god-awful stomach flu.  Both ends kinda stomach flu.  Luckily it was swift and everyone else in my house was spared – thank god!

We check in online at home and it says our flight is on-time.  Whoo Hoo – vacation here we come!  We get to the airport and this is our 1st time flying with 2 kids, a car seat and a side-by-side double stroller.  I was prepared to be “those people”.  I knew it wouldn’t be exactly smooth but was just going to hope for the best.  We take a shuttle to the airport from our parking lot and the driver helps with the bags and strollers - nice.  We go to skycap and our guy is so nice that he rolls the stroller inside and lets us wait in the warm while the hubby gets tickets, etc. (ok, we are genius and tipped him big).  We even manage to get through security fairly easy. 

At our gate we find out our flight has been delayed.  BUMMER.  But hey, we’re going on vacation so who cares?!  Turns out we know someone on the flight.  We take turns on the moving walkway with the toddler.  I find a quiet spot to nurse even though I hate nursing in public.  Our flight is delayed AGAIN.  We eat crappy McDonalds.  Toddler has to go to the bathroom.  We go on the moving walkway.  Toddler has loose stool in diaper again.  Hunh.  Flight still delayed – we’ve been at the airport about 4-5 hours now.  Another bathroom trip. 

Flight is giving pre-boarding announcements.  We gather up our stuff and toddler has to be changed again.  Oh boy.  At this point she’s clearly uncomfortable.  And I know – she’s got my stomach flu.  Now.  Here at the airport before we get on a 2 and half hour flight.  And we have “B” boarding tickets even though clearly we need to pre-board.  The baby is now sleeping in my arms.  Hubby takes toddler to restroom and in all the confusion we leave her car seat and a bag in the middle of the gate area.  Uh-oh.  I’m halfway down the plane with sleeping baby and 3 bags when the gate attendant is asking who left stuff.  UM, I know that’s us.  I am forced to scream over about 10 rows of passengers that it’s ours.  That my husband has my sick child in the restroom. 

Find a seat and I’m sweating from the sweat, the embarrassment and from holding a hot baby in my arms.  Hubby finally finds me – and tells me that we have no more diapers for the toddler.  Hunh.

Before we even take-off toddler is crying that she needs to be changed – again.  Husband and I know that we have no more diapers and we’re nearly delirious at this point.  We pacify with treats until the plane is in the air.  Husband takes toddler to the plane restroom and manages to MacGyver a diaper for the toddler out of 2 of the infant diapers.

Upon returning to our seats toddler prompts soils the MacGyvered diapers.  We manage to get her to sleep and when our plane lands my husband carries her off the plane still in her seat because we’re afraid of what’s under there if we take her out. 

After finding rental car (it’s midnight) and I strip her down and put a pair of clean pants over her bare bottom in the parking garage before we even get OUT of the garage we can hear her making another big mess.  At this point we ARE delirious.  We drive to the nearest Walgreens and stock up.

The stomach flu hit my husband the next day, my mom, her significant other, my sister and my nephew in the next 4 days.

Can’t wait to fly again this year!

A letter to my one-year old

My baby turns 1 today.  A letter to her:

Dear Sweet Girl,

You were anxious to get here – you came 4 weeks early.  You were perfect though, and I think you just couldn’t wait to meet us.  You have been such a joy to watch this year.  You were the best baby – you only cried for the big ones – hungry, dirty, or tired.  You co-slept with us for the first 4 months of your life and I loved every minute of it.  If I thought you’d sleep in our bed now I’d put you there in a heartbeat.  But you like to spread out and now you sleep with your head up against the railing on your crib.  You love your soft blankies but kick them off in your sleep. 

Your are drawn to other children and animals.  Even as a baby you are sweet to our dog.  You look for other children and immediately smile.  You think your big sister is hilarious and you love it when she “chases” you.  Your big sister wants to mother you in many ways even though you get mad at her.

Right now you love to stand on your sister’s bed and jump – you do it twice a day and giggle uncontrollably.  This week you started standing alone and clapping your hands and you think this is pretty cool.  And I think it’s the most adorable thing ever. 

You finish your bottle and throw it across the room and cry – mad that it’s all gone.  You love to eat and want to do it all by yourself.  You know how to say “more” in sign language.

You have been such a joy and I can’t wait to see what new things you discover this next year.  You will always be my baby girl.

Love, Mom